Cantankerous, crass, contentious, churlish, nothing but a curmudgeon.
This is what I feel like.
Interesting that there are words within the words that are the opposite of optimism.
Tank, ass, tent (like I just want to hide away), ish (a suffix to fool), and mud.
I'll blame it on Monday. No offense to my ever pollyanna friend, Colleen, who titles her blog,
I LOVE MONDAYS!!!!
I did have time to write yesterday, Sunday afternoon, but I felt very uninspired.
The weather stunk.
My house was a mess. A result of Christmas Crash.
Two of our sons, Paul and Scott were long gone back to college.
Maybe I was in a bit of mourning. I miss them. I don't want them here on a daily basis, but I still miss them. I miss the babies. I miss the little boys who found adventure on the ball field, on a bicycle, in a bear hug.
I still have four kids at home, and I'm still OVERWHELMED.
I'm caught between doing what ever I feel like, like I have no responsibility, no college to pay for, no mortgage. I can tend to my house like a quaint little homemaker, and type on my laptop all day.
I tried to get into Hemingway's A Moveable Feast, but found it tedious. I found it at a used bookstore in Greensboro last week, so excited to read. Maybe I'm hard on myself, but I feel a bit of a failure when I don't want to go on with a book.
I took to bed, after yelling at my kids about their endless trails, with my rosary.
I was a real witch.
God thinks I'm better than that. He expects better. He calls me beyond my lowly pitiful self.
Funny that this morning, my devotional talks about self-image.
Ironic that Jesus' own baptism is mentioned.
Within these verses, John proclaims to the people, "I'm not worthy to stoop and untie his sandals."
"I have baptized you with water; but he (Jesus) will baptize you with the Holy Spirit."
Of course after Jesus' baptism, he was led into the desert to deal with reality.
So, I guess I need to put on my big girl pants, get on my game face, and put on the whole armor of God. Can't do it without Him.
Instead of tanking, foolishness, tracking and trudging in the mud, and hiding out in a tent, I'll choose something better.
Gentility, kindness, peace, and gratitude.
My dollar candle from the Mexican aisle of the grocery store, burns, lighting the face and the Sacred Heart of Jesus. I take time to type before jumping in the shower and dumping food in the crock pot before work.
Here is the prayer:
Oh, Sacred heart of Jesus, filled with infiinte love, broken by my ingratitude, pierced by my sins, and yet, loving me still relying on thy promise of infinte charity when you said, "Come to me all you that labor and are burdened and I will refresh you." I come to thee and in the lowliness of my heart earnestly beg thee to grant me your loving help.